By Rita Wilkins
The Downsizing Designer
Does this sound familiar? You are dying to declutter your home because the clutter is driving you crazy but your spouse or significant other is not on board.
It’s been building up for months or perhaps for even years. The messes are everywhere and it’s just getting worse.
It’s affecting you, your relationship with your spouse, and your family.
You’re at a stalemate. You’re stuck because it has become such a touchy subject that you avoid talking about it altogether.
If this sounds like you, I encourage you to address the elephant in the room… address, it head-on before it escalates and causes further animosity in your family.
For almost 40 years as an interior designer, and now as the “Downsizing Designer,” I’ve often been in the middle of many such disputes and disagreements. Frankly, I’ve come to embrace these challenges as the neutral third party because I have developed a method to help them find common ground.
And… if you follow the simple guidelines, I’ve used successfully for many years, you and your spouse will also be able to move beyond the emotions associated with decluttering so that together, you can find a mutually agreed-upon path forward.
Decluttering? 4 steps to get your spouse on board
1. Acknowledge the elephant in the room.
Acknowledge the conflict, that you’re not seeing eye-to-eye about clutter, that the issue between you is getting worse and can’t be ignored any longer. If you want to get your spouse on board, it all starts with good communication.
2. Set the stage for open and honest conversation.
Schedule a time, date, and quiet place to meet to discuss this issue.
Structure the meeting such that each has an opportunity to share their thoughts without interruption. Establish that there will be no arguing, just listening.
During that meeting, discuss each needs to answer the following questions:
- What’s the source of the conflict?
Examples:
- She: She wants to declutter and restore their home to the beautiful calm, peaceful house that it was when they first moved in.
- He: He doesn’t care, he doesn’t even see the clutter and it doesn’t bother him. He likes the house just the way that it is.
- Why does it matter that she wants to declutter and he doesn’t?
Examples:
- She: The amount of clutter is causing her to be overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated, upset, and embarrassed.
- He: He doesn’t care about the clutter because he doesn’t really see it the way she does.
- She: She is frustrated because she can’t find what she wants when she needs it. She’s wasting her time and energy because the clutter is out of control.
- He: He doesn’t want to declutter, because it’s too much work, takes too much time, and he’s too busy. Besides, the project it’s just overwhelming.
- She: She has become resentful feeling alone, and gets frustrated and angry because she cannot do it all herself.
- He: He would feel guilty letting things go things that have been given to him or things that he’s inherited which he is not willing to go through difficult emotions.
- She: She wants a calm, peaceful, happy home, where she can focus and be productive.
- He: He is concerned that he will regret giving things away if he makes the wrong decision.
- She: She wants more time together with her spouse, friends, and family. She feels she spends so much time decluttering, and there’s no time left for time together.
- He: He is afraid of losing the memories if he gives away the family’s “stuff.” He’s much more sentimental than he lets on to be.
3. Compromise, collaborate, and offer solutions
Examples:
- She: Now that she understands his emotions around letting go, they can work on an emotional area together. (Kitchen cabinets, pantry)
- He: Now that he understands why decluttering is so important to her, he will not keep making it such a big issue and will cooperate by helping her 3 to 4 hours a week.
- She: She will declutter her stuff only, not his, and she will continue decluttering one room, one area at a time.
- He: He will schedule 3 to 4 hours per week to work on his stuff only. This will allow him to manage his time while helping her declutter their home when room, and one area at that time.
- She: She will include him in the decluttering process by discussing what she is disposing of and donating beforehand. This will let him feel like he has more of a say in the process.
- He: He just stop second-guessing her every step of the way. Instead, they come out to gather and decide what your discretion to donate.
- She: She will not nag him about clutter now that they are working together and feels that they are collaborating on a common goal.
- He: He will stop being a naysayer now that they are working together on a common goal
- She: She will stop buying more and adding to the clutter.
- He: He will also stop buying in more stuff and contributing to the clutter.
4. Keep the conversation alive.
When you get stuck, feel, overwhelmed, and upset, talk about it, and remember to respect each other’s opinions and feelings.
Request for help. Ask for what you want and need. Offer solutions and agree on the solution.
If emotions rise up take a break and forget about decluttering for a while. Go out to dinner, have a glass of wine, and laugh about it.
Nothing is more important than your relationship.
Take time for each other and learn to have fun decluttering together.
Communicate, compromise, and collaborate!
You will discover that the decluttering process can actually be fun and mutually beneficial when you are both on board.
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